Trust me when I say that self-love comes from within. You could be thinking "tell me something I don't already know" OR "that's bullshit" - either way, it doesn't matter because I'll tell you why it is true.
What is the first thing you notice when you look in the mirror - is it that one flaw you're very insecure of, or the many beautiful parts of you? As much as I want to say it's the latter, we all know that is not always true.
I look so fat.
My skin is so ugly.
Why am I so short?
Why am I not her?
She is way prettier than me.
She is smarter than I will ever be.
I am not good enough for anything or anyone..
At times, I let those thoughts got the best of me. I let myself believe these thoughts were true, and that everyone saw me that way. I let myself feel extremely insecure. I let myself become ungrateful of the countless blessings Allah has given me from day one.
Growing up, I thought that self-love comes from being beautiful - the society's idea of beautiful. Being skinny, fair-skinned, tall, having flawless skin, and of course - wearing expensive, gorgeous outfit every single day. Now that may be a bit too much, but you get what I mean, right?
Now, I'm gonna tell you what changed my perspective.
I have met the most beautiful girls - literally, the most beautiful girls. If I tell you their names, you would totally agree with me. No second thoughts.
Before getting to know those beautiful girls, I thought they were perfect. I always looked up to them. I was insecure of their beauty, confidence, basically the way they carry themselves. The way people spoke about them and treated them - it made me wish I was as pretty, as cool, even. I thought they always woke up feeling beautiful (well, since they ARE beautiful, of course they would feel good about that, right?). I thought they have always had it easier.. I thought life was generally kinder to them. I thought they were never as insecure as I was.
After we became friends and we started getting close to an extent where we were comfortable enough to talked our love life & our secrets, knew each other's interests and even had lunch together - I discovered that they felt insecure too. And more often than not, they told me they were insecure of me. Me???? How crazy is that??? How can someone so beautiful be insecure of..... someone like me???!! I'm not saying this to brag or anything lol.
My point is, even if you're the most beautiful person in the whole wide world and everyone agrees with that - if you don't love yourself and don't look past your imperfections, you would always feel insecure. You would always, always feel like you're not good enough. Stop comparing yourself to other people. Stop seeing ONLY your flaws. Start seeing your beauty as well. Start counting your blessings. Start seeing that beauty is subjective. Some people may not find you beautiful, and that's normal. There are people who find you beautiful. There are people who look at you and think you are the most beautiful person they have ever seen. Trust me, there are.
Again, I'm not saying that you have to find people who think you're beautiful. You have to acknowledge that fact first. You have to start believing that you are beautiful. Focus on what you can change - and start loving those parts of you that you were born with.
I know, it's easy to say things like these. It is easier said than done. Practice what you preach, right? Ok, I hear you.
Let me tell you my story. I grew up feeling insecure, especially those years when I had acne all over my face. I'm not kidding - it was all over my face. There was also this period (maybe two to three weeks?) that I had a burn mark on my cheek (I put pure tea tree oil on a pimple I just popped. DO NOT DO THAT.) - I had to go to school and face people who asked me what happened, yada yada.. During those times, I felt so bad about myself. I hated how I looked in the mirror. I literally could not believe why some people found me beautiful. I refused to accept every compliment I received, but it's only because I felt undeserving of those compliments. I felt like they were lying all the time. I felt like they only complimented me because I complimented them first, so it's natural to return the favour, you know?
I especially could not believe how someone like Hanif, could love me. I was so nervous about our first date so I asked a friend on what to wear for the special occasion - and I was told to wear something I was most comfortable in and felt confident in. So I wore my favourite outfit (that I wore 291370 times lol and trust me, macam baju pergi pasar. Makeup? Apa itu makeup? I went barefaced, haha I didn't even know it was possible to cover acne with makeup). And there he was, looking so handsome, with the most gorgeous smile I had ever seen. Even in that outfit, with the acne all over my face - he loved me, and he complimented me. He said I looked beautiful.. For lunch, we both ate lasagne, and I had some cheese stuck to my teeth (That, on the first date? Embarrassing!!) but he just laughed and continued eating, and he later told me that he thought that was cute. Our relationship had been on-and-off, but I'm grateful that we always came back to each other. It has been 8 years - the distance especially taught us to be strong on our own, but to always be there for each other. Our secret is that we are each other's best friend.. and that we don't give up on each other. I have always wanted to marry my best friend. I hope and pray that we will marry each other (aamiin!). He is extremely special to me because he has seen me at my worst, and still thought I was beautiful. He has loved me throughout all these times when I could not love myself. He has been there when I was most vulnerable. He has done the impossible - he has loved me through it all. And that, my friend, is truly one in a gazillion. :)
My family, my boyfriend, and my best friends have been my pillars of strength throughout these years. People who love you for who you are are people you should never push away. I'm not telling you to depend on them - but if someone could love you for who you are, it is because they see past your imperfections. They think you are worthy of loving, and they see the good in you.. They think that you are MORE than those bad thoughts about yourself at 3am.
By acknowledging those people, you could start looking at yourself from their perspective. Slowly, but surely, you will learn to acknowledge your worth.
Ya know, I've had people pointing out my flaws - to my face. It's crazy. It's like, they think I don't know those things already.. What made it worse is that you can easily remember that one hurtful insult, but tend to forget all the kind compliments. I know that because I go through it every now and then. Sometimes, I let those people's hurtful comments about me - define me :(
Here's a fact. At this age, I still battle with acne. I have been taking antibiotics, but ya know, it's a long process. I thought only insecure teens would point out somebody else's flaws.. Oh well, some people never change. Even at this age, some people still point out my flaws - oh you've gained weight. Oh, you have so much acne.. Oh, I think I'm doing you a favour by saying those things. Having faced these during my teenage years, I learned not to let it get to my head. So I usually just ignored it. Even after all those years of "practice", it still hurts. I'd never lie to you and say time heals the pain, but you gotta learn to be stronger and look past it. You have to learn to ignore it. You have to let yourself believe that you are beautiful, in your own ways. Know that some people may not think so, but other people see your beauty and love you for who you are.
I would never tell someone they look ugly - not even as a joke. I know how hurtful it is, because I've been there and it was not funny. I would never ever point out other people's flaws, thinking they need to hear those things. I know how angry it made me feel, because I've been there. If anything - those years of feeling insecure helped me become kinder to people.
It is easy to look in the mirror and focus on that one thing you deem a flaw. It's easy to let that one flaw define who you are. I know this, because I.. do that too, sometimes.
Put simply, never ever joke about anyone's looks or anything they were born with - it is NEVER funny. Even if they joke about their own insecurities, you have absolutely no right to do it too.
And, learn to love yourself. Do more things that make you feel better about yourself. Do things that you love. Express your feelings. Learn to see the beauty in everyone.
Be kind. Be kind to people. Be even kinder to yourself.
If it makes you feel better - know that I am working on it too.. Everyone is working on it, too. You only see the edited parts of their lives, not the dirty work they do every day to get to where they are now :)