People who don't know about my relationship with him would think I'm overreacting.. Like, who is this girl and why is she weeping buckets for the loss of her boyfriend's father??
I really don't owe anyone any explanation, but I just feel like expressing how I feel.
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I have known Hanif for almost 10 years now, and I first met his parents when I was 15 - roughly a year after we started dating. I invited them to come to my Raya openhouse - my parents met his parents, and that's how they found out about us.
Earlier on, his family and I weren't very close and we rarely met as he was in an SBP, and I went to an SMK. We went on dates during school holidays - not many times a year, though. I could say that we met once or twice every few months?
Post-high school
Anyway, our relationship started to involve our parents more after high school, when we both flew off to further our studies - I was in NZ, he was in the UK. My papa & mama sent him off when I couldn't, his ayah and ibu sent my brother off when I couldn't. When his ayah was warded, my parents visited him when I couldn't.. That sort of thing, and I loved that about us.
Life after university
I became closer to his family after returning from NZ, though. I went for a UK-Euro Trip with his sister to visit him and my brother in the UK, which brought his kakak and I much closer. My papa, mama and I went to send his parents off to perform Hajj.. I visited his ayah when he was warded - twice. Even when Hanif hadn't come back for good, I went to his house several times - usually to pass something (e.g. food) to them, but only Allah knows they're just my excuses to see more of his family.
When Hanif came back for good, I drove to the airport with an empty hood because I wanted to help bring back some of his bags. I ended up driving him and his parents home though, his sister and his brother-in-law (to-be, at the time) were the ones bringing his stuff home. I felt nervous driving him and his parents, but all went well, and we had lunch at Koh Samui, their go-to Thai restaurant (their favourite is the green curry). Oh and recently I offered to help for his kakak's wedding preparation - so I went to their house quite often, and I even took a leave the day before her wedding. I wanted to help as much as I could as she is his only sibling, and his family means a lot to me. I'm glad that I got to see more of his ayah & ibu, spent more time with him and his kakak, and also met his extended family. They were very warm and nice to me, and I am forever grateful for that. For kakak's wedding (Arief's side), his parents insisted that I join them for makan beradap.. So I sat between him and his ayah. I miss that day.. Hanif drove us to the wedding hall - I sat next to him, and his parents sat in the back. Before going home, I took photos of his parents, too.. Like, it really made me feel like I'm part of his family.
Ever since he was back for good, we have been meeting each other more frequently. And on most of our recent dates, I offered to drive to his house first because our hangout spots were always closer to him. And every single time - I got to meet his family and spend time with them. Had brunch with them, had dinner too, sometimes. Whenever they gave me food, I always tried to eat them even when I wasn't hungry because I was being polite but the whole family now thinks I generally just eat a lot.. Haha which I'm totally fine with, because it made his family happy. I always loved my conversations with his ayah & ibu.. And I realised that I talked to his ayah a lot - mostly about random stuff, but he was so knowledgeable and loved to share his knowledge, so I was always all ears.
Plus, I personally have always been more of a daddy's girl. I am close to my mama, but I just tend to spend more time with my papa, you know? Talking about cars, gadgets, action movies.. Helping him around the house.. The list goes on. So, it was only natural for me to enjoy Hanif's ayah's company. When I was at their house, we talked and laughed over the silly jokes we all made.. my jokes only got their attention either because they weren't funny or they were difficult to get, though. Hahaha. I remember telling them a joke that was so hard to get (but I happened to find it very funny and laughed for 2 days straight). In response to my joke, the whole family laughed at me instead haha. When they found another horrible joke, his ayah jokingly said that if I knew about the joke, maybe I would laugh for 2 weeks straight.
And when Santesh released his single "Amalina", his dad insisted on playing the MV (Malay & Tamil ver) on their TV before I went home. We were smiling, laughing over how silly the song was.. Oh, how I miss those times. I could remember their happy faces vividly.
And that's how I started loving his dad as my own.. Not because I terhegeh-hegeh nak jadi his daughter-in-law, but because I truly, sincerely love him like my own dad. He had this vibe that made me feel really comfortable around him.
December 2018.
When Hanif told me that his father was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer, my heart broke into pieces.. The day after, I took a leave to see his family.. And my heart broke again when his dad shed tears talking about how he felt about having cancer. I didn't have any comforting words to offer because I was truly at loss for words. I could only listen, and feel sad too. I cried a lot since that day, and I was so, so worried about his ayah. He was so young - only a year older than my dad.
Cancer fucking sucks. I hate cancer, I don't wish it upon anybody - not even my enemy.
After his ayah's first chemo, Hanif and I wanted to celebrate our belated anniversary. So I went to his house, met the family.. Talked about random stuff again, and that was when I realised just how much I love this family.
Little did I know that it was the last time I saw his ayah outside a hospital. It was the last time we had a laugh.. It was the last time I saw his smile, and listened to him talk about his younger days or the current weather.. It all happened so fast.
I went to visit his ayah on Sunday, 6th Jan, at KPJ Damansara. I went to his ward, saw him coughing non-stop and occasionally experienced shortness of breath. The room was so warm, and he was sweating. So we kipas-kipaskan his ayah using some brochures - until he told us to stop. Afterwards, the doctor came, and referred him to the ICU....
That was when the family broke down. I couldn't help but weep buckets, too.
I can't bear seeing my loved ones in pain - him, his ayah, his ibu, his sister.. It hurts me a thousand times more.
I went to the hospital for 4 days in a row. Today, I went to the hospital for the last time.
When Hanif called me on 11 Jan, at 12:50pm, I was having lunch with my colleagues. I was halfway done, though. When I heard him say "Ayah dah takde" my immediate response was "Astaghfirullah sayang I'm sorry. I datang sekarang".
I was in shock, ya Allah.
I was the first to arrive at the hospital, and when I saw him and his family, I instantly cried. He came closer to me, he looked down as he cried.. There was nothing I could do to make him feel better. I couldn't even pat him in the back or hug him because I'm not his wife yet. I'm sorry sayang.. We went to see his ayah on the hospital bed, with a nurse trying to remove some tubes etc., and his ayah looked so calm, so peaceful.
I got to pay my last respect to his ayah via sembahyang jenazah, I got to attend his funeral.. I'm grateful for the blessings ya Allah. Alhamdulillah. I swear only Allah knows how much I love hanif's ayah, he was such a good man.. Wallahi, I love him fillah. He always made me happy. Not once did he hurt my feelings. Not once. Not once did he make me feel like an outsider. He was an amazing future father-in-law to me, and I will always look up to him.
He passed away on Friday, and everything was settled before Maghrib. Ya Allah, alhamdulillah. May Allah bless his soul, forgive him, and grant him the highest level of paradise.
There are so many things we wish we could do together. Sooo many things to show you, uncle. It's okay. If I live long enough to have my own children, I will tell them about you and how nice you were to me, and everyone around you. So many people loved you, uncle. I'm sad that I didn't get to call you ayah, but may Allah reunite us in jannah..
May Allah grant hanif and his ibu and sister all the sabr, strength and courage they need to go on. InshaAllah we will all reunite in Jannah - let's all pray for that beautiful ending. Allahumma aameen.